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What Led me into the Arms of Homosexuality

homosexualityJames says his life used to be full of dark pain, lust and lies. But God transformed him. Today he shares his story from a heart of grace and freedom.

In the early ‘60s, I lived in a small town in Oklahoma with a family that looked perfect to the outside, but it was dark inside. I was sexually abused at age 5 by neighborhood teens and by my mentally ill father throughout my teen years. My parent’s divorce gained me an over bearing step father who hated me. My grandfather’s mistress took advantage of me. My controlling mother and grandmother were full of anger. I was longing for love and fell into the arms of homosexuality.

In the early 80s, the Kansas City gay community was a perfect place to hide and play out my pain. This “secret club” met my need to be taken care of by older men, “my daddies.” Churches rejected me. They asked me to leave. They even spit in my face. It fueled the anger ruining my soul. Deciding there’s no room for God in my life, I’d play out my brokenness in a life of “gay” drama.

While driving down Highway 69 in my Park Avenue Buick to Miami, Oklahoma, a glowing, bluish white form appeared. It felt overpowering and I broke down crying…for the first time in my life.

While drinking, taking drugs and cross dressing, I hurt everyone in my path and received pleasure from men, money and power. I agreed with the gay movement: “You are born this way.” We educated small children with that lie. We didn’t chose homosexuality. Who would? We lived in a dark world of secrets.

“Gay” was supposed to be fun, but after a decade, I grew weary building walls around my pain to keep from being exposed. I watched my closest friends, 36 in all, die of AIDS. When I shared with a Christian woman that my partner had AIDS, she quickly moved to the other side of the room. Where was the care and concern?

My pain intensified when someone embezzled from my flourishing company.  My youthful sex appeal was fading, too. Penniless and hopeless, I set out to kill myself.

While driving down Highway 69 in my Park Avenue Buick to Miami, Oklahoma, a glowing, bluish white form appeared. It felt overpowering and I broke down crying…for the first time in my life.

No bartender would have an answer for this, so I went to my gay partner’s mother. She said, “James, Jesus loves you.”

“I’m not into that,” I said, making a cross with my fingers. “Stay away from me. God hates me.”

She handed me a business card with the name, Pat Smith, director of a healing ministry.

Slipping the card into my back pocket, I left for home to face my living hell. I had no money, nothing to drink, and a sick, dying partner.

That evening, alone in my bedroom, I called Pat. She ignored my verbal abuse and responded, “James, are you ready to get into the boat and go to the other side?”

““Will it hurt?” I asked.

“Yes, but the joy will come.”

On March 20, 1989, I got into the boat and gave my life to the Lord Jesus. Yes, coming out of homosexuality was difficult! At times, facing my pain, and being transparent was so hard I thought I would die. Lovers, family, and friends that once loved me, reacted angry toward me. I was not that cute, popular guy anymore.

Day after day, I laid my past down at the foot of the cross. I chose life. That meant forgiving all who hurt me. I was able to go to my abusers and pray for them and love them with a pure love.

The world says, “Embrace sin.” I embrace life with Jesus. I still die daily to myself, but oh, it’s so worth it. My new life is wonderfully amazing.

James blessed Pam Enderby recently with his thoughts on his journey…..“Pam, I had a memory of March 20, 1990 sitting at your dining room table with John and your small children. There were balloons and even a cake to celebrate my first birthday with Christ and my first year of freedom out of homosexuality. Now into 26 years with our Lord, that touch of love you and your family gave me is still so near my heart.”


James’ family photo while living in India.

(James has been married 20 years now, has 3 sons, 2 daughter-in-laws and 3 grandchildren. He and his wife have served the Lord in India. Best of all, James found a Father who really loves him and will not leave him. He says, “Jesus has become my best friend and my new “daddy.” He transformed me into the man of God I am today.”)




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