Love Starved Couples: Love’s Great Disappearing Act


Love is one of the strongest emotions known to mankind. Love can blind us. Love can keep us up all night talking on the phone. Love can take precedence over just about anything else in life. Love can drive us to make lifetime commitments to one another.

When my wife and I decided to get serious about our relationship, we were living 127.5 miles apart. I was working at Cottage Hospital, in Santa Barbara at the time. My hours were 4:00PM to midnight with Sunday and Monday off.

The bible says whatsoever a man sows, that he will also reap. This same principle is true regarding relationships. 

Right after work each Sunday morning, I would head down to La Verne to spend my weekends with Sam, then head home on Tuesday in order to be back at work on Tuesday afternoon. I willingly drove 255 miles round trip every week for 9 months all because of love.

In fact, we never even discussed if I was coming down or not on my days off. Wild horses couldn’t keep us apart. The thought of me not coming down to spend my weekend with Sam was unthinkable.

Love was the motivating factor in our decision to make our long distance relationship work. Love can be intoxicating. What baffles me is how we can allow such a strong force to virtually disappear from our relationships over time.

Sense Driven Love

The kind of love I’ve talked about so far is emotional in nature. This type of love opens doors for the lady. It picks up the check at the end of a meal. It makes sure we are on our best behavior when we are in the presence of the object of our affection.

I call this kind of love “Seed Sowing” love. In this stage of our relationships, couples are actually going out of their way to please one another. This cycle of sowing seeds of kindness and reaping the emotional harvest is continual in the beginning of our relationships.

The bible says whatsoever a man sows, that he will also reap. This same principle is true regarding relationships. Gifts like bouquets of flowers, surprise lunch dates, and various shows of affection are rampant in the beginning stages of most relationships.

Then, at some point the sowing of kindness seeds begins to taper off. With fewer and fewer seeds being sewn, the quantity and quality of our emotional harvest is reduced and the field of our hearts begins to dry up. And like a farmer who stops planting crops, in no time at all he finds himself looking out the window at a dry, barren field. As time goes by, the farmer begins to slowly starve to death.

The reason why the farmer finds himself starving is not a mystery. It’s a no brainer. The farmer is starving because he stopped planting seed. Without the planting of seed, there can be no harvest.

Likewise in our relationships, when we stop planting kindness seeds and harvest the last of our crops, we have nothing to sustain our relationships and keep them flourishing.

In desperation, some couples enter into the death spiral of “You give me what I need then I’ll give you what you need”. How ridiculous would it be for a farmer to negotiate with the ground, saying “You give me a crop, and then I’ll give you some seed”?

Start planting, and start receiving a harvest

If your relationship has all but dried up I encourage you to start over fresh again. Go back to the place when your love was new and fresh and behave accordingly. Do all the things you used to do to capture the heart of your beloved.

As you begin to plant those seeds of kindness again you will find that the ground of your heart is still capable of producing the same emotion that you felt years ago when love was new.

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  1. Thank you for the wise words. I'm still a newlywed and in the planting phase of marriage, so I am far from being love-starved. I hope we never get to the place of stubbornness and neglect you described here.

    • Thank you for your comment Suzi. It seems to be a given in our society that the emotional excitement that we experience in the beginning of our relationships has to subside with time. I can say firsthand that this doesn’t have to be the case. When God is involved in your marriage, each day can produce an excitement stronger than the previous day. Thanks again for your comment and have a grateful day!

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